December 17th, 2009
March 7th, 2008
|09:48 pm - NON AMAVI|
If I was in Manhattan I would have walked 20 blocks by now.
I . .Im
Im in California. Its kind of driving me crazy tho. Im not barfing all the time . .so thats good. Yeah, but every fear hides a wish.
Taylor is only a few hours away, his heart like a hunting hound. Or was it his hands? I guess that depends on who you ask. Im not seeing him . . Its just like removing a blanket or stepping out of the shower. Even on the west coast I want that kind of heat forever and its not even cold. I stop under heat lights for hours while everyone else is at some bar. There are heat lamps here because people sit outside even in the dead of winter, because its California! Dammit! Californians defy all logic. Age? fuck that. Weather? not a worry. Reality be damned!
So . . I still have his jacket.
Im banging my knees against things in this big house. Im not used to having stairs to walk up and down. Im armed with a flashlight for the nights a bicycle for the days.
At home there would be snow on the beach that falls during the day. The snow melts on the water and no one expects you to go outside.
Current Location: thecenterofthecityinthenight
Current Mood: none
Current Music: musictoruinyourlifeto
December 7th, 2007
|09:02 pm - methinks we have hugely mistaken this matter of Life and Death|
"Methinks that what they call my shadow here on earth is my true substance.
Methinks that in looking at things spiritual, we are too much like oysters observing the sun through the water and thinking that thick water the thinnest of air.
Methinks my body is but the lees of my better being.
In fact take my body who will, take it I say, it is not me.
And therefore three cheers for Nantucket; and come a stove boat and a stove body when they will, for stave my soul, Jove himself cannot."
moby moby dick yall
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: bbc
August 2nd, 2006
|02:33 pm - go hang a salami im a lasagna hog|
"In 1993, MTV put an end to its all white programming with the world premiere of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video and aired the singer's 14 minute clip for "Thriller" and basically played in nonstopr for the rest of the decade. As a sighn of his gratitude, Jackson later actually turned white." -Adiin Vaziri
4am last night finished all of Twin Peeeks anf Fire Walk Withj me,
-was turned on
-had snot all over my face and pillow from crying
I think Ii liked the movie
August 8th, 2005
|09:20 pm - veg brain, rept brain|
Beach Tree get 19 inches of rain a year. Most people live by the freeway which has one exit to town. You can pass the entire population of Beach Tree in a handful of seconds, nail salons, restaurants, downtown, the good side of the tracks . . .blah blah.
The mountains are huge. The desert falls away into the east. Theres been a pest problem and now all the fences have little orange trap boxes on them.
If you are 17 and you live in Tree you ride dirt bikes.
On the weekends you see how many orange pest boxes you can detach and leave in someones pool so the dead bugs float into the water. This is a fuck you to those that have pools and it done with the secrete hope that if the boxes are removed the bugs will come in like hell fire and destroy the town.
May 25th, 2005
|03:08 pm - drunken donuts|
The first time had me hooked. Nothing more, I swear. Just that first time, my skin turning swimming pool blue, hand hitting the floor. The carpet! Feeling the beige carpet underneath me like the underside of a whale. Loops of polyester as foreign as any undersea animal.
The scary thing is I still do it. Ipecac . .whatever, to stay around 130-120lbs. .
Its not pretty, its a fucking freak show. Everything disappears, you can't hear music, or see your friends. You are officially on your own as if you walked down the beach to the water and never stopped.
And I have friends now that are dying. It pisses me off, bad. Mostly because I'm still left.
Its luck. Drugs and OD's, its a numbers game, a zero sum game, its economics and world markets.
It definitely not fair trade.
That's what happened. Nickioli walked down to the water and never stopped, walked himself to Africa . .underwater.
I swear my eyes glow in the dark. I swear I can stop when ever I want.
It becomes a dream, this idea of stopping. I can go for a month without it, and feel like a god.
Virtue too is a vice
The dream of being able to stop is like the dream of dying, I know its going to happen at some point- It just may not necessarily be my choice.
Current Mood: dirty
Current Music: reading rainbow?
December 30th, 2004
|12:09 pm - The New American Beauty: THE OVEN STUFFER|
Everybody now is beautiful or in the process of becoming so. Beauty, which previously provided an American alternative to aristocracy, is being made available to anyone who wants it enough.
In response to sheer demand, the American definition of beauty is changing, or about to change, for the first time in at least a generation.
The new American Beauty is busty rather than leggy. She is squat rather than tall. There is a kind of hardened voluptuousness to her. Her face is not angular; it broad, almost swollen looking, for the American face, in general, has expanded along a horizontal axis. Her hair is streaked blond and her teeth are unapologetically white.
. . .the new century gives us the oven stuffer, after the eight-pound pullets straining against their shrink wrap . . .nobody can look at those birds and think in any way that they look natural.
ex: Brit, Christina, Beyonce, Jennie Finch, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, . . . .
Our appetite for beauty is stronger than ever. WE turn to the oven stuffers, because as a nation we never have been one to go hungrey.
There are alot of girls who actually aspire to look like this(esp in rating comms), like the final product of one of the women on the swan. Its disgusting. And sorry, its not pretty.
What turns heads is elegance, beauty is unusual and angular.
Beauty is not the women on the Bachelor with their blown out hair and orchestrated outfits. This is the look that works for sorority girls at USC or any retarded university in Arizona, overly tan in some Express outfit, and Tiffany's open hearts. This look can be hot, but its easy and generic.
Current Music: chan
December 26th, 2004
|09:37 pm - detox|
I just stared at the wall for two hours straight thinking about McDonalds and Starbucks.
Its more than just a voice in the back of my head or a "craving".
This is full on I have to have this substance now-full on body ach for it. I get twitchy, my heart begins to race blah blah blah. I imagen the calm with the first bite, instead of the panic that comes immediately afterwords.
The insanity of the binge no where matches the panic of the day after, or the day after the day after. When faced with an entire life time of days after making it through one day not only seems impossible but pointless.
Hospitals have taught me that this urge does pass-but it takes a detox period thats pretty fucking intense. If I switch to just anorexia its milder-but relapse is more likely.
So I have to detox. Maintain eating, but no sugar,processed crap or high fat. Do not promise your self that you can purge anything. At least 900 cals a day.
oh and a word of advise beware of McDonlads breakfast biscuit items, if not chewed properly they will emerge like glutinous meteors from your stomach, small planets of congealed everything that shoot out vicious and huge. Chocking a huge possibility-chew and intersperse with hot liquid.
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: marvinG.
December 22nd, 2004
Ghosts exist, oh man, you bet your ass they do. Youve seen them, on the bus or out somewhere. You know exactly what im talking about . .people doing the crazy japanese big fun super fantastic zombie hour, every day every night. Doin' it in thier own skin. Im just walking around doing all the things people do. But its like Evil Dead here, man, on the inside . .i know cuz i do it all the time
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: "run "V.U
August 16th, 2004
|07:18 pm - mrs D hrs I mrs FF I mrs C mrs U mrs LTY|
SCREAMING OLD ENOUGH TO DIE YOUNG
At so the night was started O my brothers, alone, shopping, after each purchase lighting up a cancer out of guilt.
-Rock and Republic jeans, fag
-Creed perfume, fag
-10 frilly little shirts at the oh so fun Arden B, fag
etc etc . . .a pac and four mimosas later . .
Home to eat, puke, reach into the toilet bowel each time to see what had come up. Between the reaches and retches little giggles as I fished in my own vomit, cereal-check, chocolate muffin-check . . .this is in the toilet mind you I pay someone to clean, yet I am up to my elbow in my own filth . . .
Cleaned up the splatter on the walls.
Showered, played dress up
ride waiting outside as I chugged Red Bull and Kettle One leaving cigarettes in the bathroom and in wine glasses all around the kitchen. Met up my droogs on The Campus smoking Gauloises talking war "The attempt to impose upon man, a creature of growth and capable sweetness, to ooze juicily at the last round the bearded lips of God, to attempt to impose, I say, laws and conditions appropriate to a mechanical creation, against this I raise my sword-pen . . ."
Parliaments and coke, like a Japanese snowfall in the bathroom.
went to bed the next day at 5pm writing something about how we have made up Fear and God-you know- chickens and eggs and feeling incredibly brilliant
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Bizet